Previewing the 2023 CFB season with Haikus for every team

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Welcome to the official 2023 Two Stripes College Football Season Preview! Just like last year, this preview is simple: One haiku for every FBS team, which now includes our friends at Jacksonville State and Sam Houston State. If you enjoy the post, please consider subscribing to the site and sharing it with other CFB fans online. If you don't enjoy it, please consider sharing with other CFB fans online and letting them know how much you hate it. Let's get to it!

Air Force

Three straight ten-win years?
Want a conference title
Not sure they do it

Akron

Hit the portal hard
Got better late in season
Have long way to go

Alabama

Run the rock mode: ON
Not sure they have a QB
But will that matter?

Appalachian State

Last year was crazy
Schedule sets up for nine wins
Buying strong bounceback

Arizona

Was wrong about Jedd
One more season of Cowing
First bowl in six years?

Arizona State

These guys are down bad
Brought in a ton of transfers
Better than last year

Arkansas

Would pay to see this
Their schedule always brutal
Eight wins? A success!

Arkansas State

Butch doesn't have long
Positive: Rucker is back
Negative: They suck

Army

What will offense be?
The cut block ban is stupid
Crystal ball murky

Auburn

Potato Man gone
Tyler Cetrulo smiling
Hate the new guy, though

Ball State

First two games bloodbath
Superb portal addition
Fuck it, bowl game bound

Baylor

On the bandwagon
Would love them to win this game
Depth a large question

Boise State

Don't believe in them
Harsin back by December
This take could age poor

Boston College

Hafley got a gift
A feathery soft schedule
He will mess it up

Bowling Green

Here's a guy to watch
Stupid contract extension
Will bite them in ass

Buffalo

Head coach is real deal
Another bowl on table
MAC is up for grabs

BYU

Not ready this year
Defensive upgrade a must
Plainly: No bowl game

Cal

Same shit as always
Can the offense score at all?
Schedule is painful

Central Michigan

Need more of this, please
The offense has to improve
Be on upset watch

Charlotte

Head Coach loves the smoke
Also maybe too online
Just guy being dude

Cincinnati

Oh no, Satterfield
Travel agent Emory
Glory days over

Clemson

Offense much better
Top three defense in nation
Predicting playoff

Coastal Carolina

From Chadwell to Beck
So many quarterback sweeps
Best of luck with that

Colorado

It's Prime Time, baby
Haters and losers angry
Kiss my ass, Go Buffs

Colorado State

Year one wasn't good
I believe in Jay Norvell
Need big improvement

Duke

Got this wrong last year
Riley Leonard will ball out
I smell an upset

East Carolina

Goodbye to Holton
Forecasting a big step back
This year a reset

Eastern Michigan

Yes, bowling again!
How is this guy not P5?
Want them to win MAC

Florida International

A wholesome moment
Mike Mac doing best he can
Long-term project here

Florida

Have lots to replace
Hazardous quarterback room
Schedule is hefty

Florida Atlantic

Texas Tom goes east
Evolves to Florida Man
Have to sort this out

Florida State

Hype train getting loud
Not a title contender
I think ten win year

Fresno State

Roster turnover
I don't have a good feeling
Guessing four and eight

Georgia

Back to back Bulldogs
New video game franchise
Need for Speed: Athens

Georgia Southern

They will put up points
Was I wrong about Helton?
We shall see this year

Georgia State

Toss-up for bowl game
But they are on the right track
A fun quarterback

Georgia Tech

Not sure about hire
Late-season results tricky
The ceiling: Five wins

Hawai'i

They might beat Stanford
Still reconstructing program
Just need small progress

Houston

In new conference
Dana is a cooked product
Sick of watching them

Illinois

Won't repeat success
But I love what Bret's doing
Can count on defense

Indiana

Ugly new unis
Allen era is finished
It was a good run

Iowa

Have this one bookmarked
The same story every year
Will watch without shame

Iowa State

Campbell turnaround?
Beating Iowa would help
If not, no bowl game

Jacksonville State

Return of the King
Run game is what you expect
This dude cuts the checks

James Madison

Hard-hitting defense
I love watching them play ball
Get ready for war

Kansas

Jalon Daniels Show
He leads explosive offense
But this has to change

Kansas State

Lost some good talent
When will people stop doubting?
Contender again

Kent State

Talent exodus
Desolate situation
See two wins at most

Kentucky

Could start five and oh
But gets nasty after that
Leary is the key

Liberty

Chadwell was great hire
Top twenty offense next year
Going to take time

Louisiana

Nose-dived big last year
Was it just a close-game thing?
Schedule is cakewalk

Louisiana-Monroe

Defense is a sieve
This man is stealing money
One win, at the most

Louisiana Tech

Points in abundance
HUGH DAVIS: All-Conference
Look at that good dog

Louisville

Satterfield is out
The prodigal son returns
Nine wins possible!

LSU

Overrated team
This is where the wheels fall off
Not buying the hype

Marshall

Head coach has the juice
Offense needs to pull their weight
Defense is locked in

Maryland

Calling for nine wins
Five and oh start is likely
Don't fail me, Locksley

Memphis

Keep losing close games
Make or break year for Ryan
I think they improve

Miami (FL)

Broke boys can't recruit
Gonna miss a bowl again?
Six and six, maybe!

Miami (OH)

Snoozefest on offense
Lots of production returns
Battle for the name

Michigan

Have to give them props
Done it back to back seasons
But he still can't throw

Michigan State

Mel has a Brinks truck
Hot take: They are losing this
Three and nine lifestyle

Middle Tennessee

Kicked Miami's butt
Have to survive first two games
Conference hopefuls

Minnesota

They fumbled the bag
Have one more chance to win West
Don't mess it up, Fleck

Mississippi State

Rest in peace, Pirate
Offense will look different
And so will helmets

Missouri

The Thicker Kicker
Now or never for Eli
Prediction: Never

Navy

We will miss you, Ken
Brian has a strong defense
Get used to more throws

NC State

Armstrong renaissance
Doeren breaking the record
Eight wins? Possible!

Nebraska

Rhule is a builder
But the talent isn't there
At least not right now

Nevada

Bad situation
No idea how they move ball
Defense is fine, though

New Mexico

Worst team in country
Don't see them getting better
Thirteen points per game!

New Mexico State

I'm flabbergasted
No clue how they won seven
Kudos to Jerry

North Carolina

Dropped bag to keep Drake
This man is committing fraud
Can't wait for rematch

North Texas

Of course, Air Raid guy
Shouldn't have trouble scoring
Same for opponents

Northern Illinois

Don't see improvement
How is he still in college?
Hard team to predict

Northwestern

Boy, this is awkward
Can't win in America
Gonna pass on this

Notre Dame

QB is legit
Best o-line in the country?
Chance to make statement

Ohio

Kurtis Rourke returns
Surprised Saban didn't poach
Favorite in East

Ohio State

Schrödinger's program
Ten and two? Undefeated?
Have to open box

Oklahoma

Coach won't shut his mouth
Loud talk for six and seven
Schedule: Freshman Mode

Oklahoma State

Never know with them
Ten wins is on the table
Could also win six

Old Dominion

Might beat Tech again
But this division is tough
Building for next year

Ole Miss

Many quarterbacks
A bold strategy for sure
But are any good?

Oregon

Bo Nix for Heisman?
I see three losses on here
So probably not

Oregon State

I ride with the Beavs
They can win the conference
I say they win ten

Penn State

Depends on Allar
Singleton is a monster
No excuses left

Pitt

Pat cried about Prime
Should cry about his QBs
Smelling six and six

Purdue

A new direction
Walters will play aggressive
Might take a few years

Rice

Time to get a job
Living up to his last name
Won't stop anyone

Rutgers

I believed last year
Not making the same mistake
Ex-Schiano man

San Diego State

Talent is on hand
Can they throw the ball at all?
They are a wild card

San Jose State

I'll be in the stands
Another lockdown defense
Eight wins for my boys

Sam Houston State

New kids on the block
Two-dollar-steak tough defense
Offense might be foul

SMU

Transfers everywhere
Scoring won't be an issue
Stopping teams will be

South Alabama

You need to watch them
Tough-ass, playmaking defense
Upset potential

South Carolina

Manic football team
One week you get something bad
The next? Majestic!

South Florida

It's about damn time
Not expecting very much
Todd Orlando? Yuck

Southern Miss

Can't find a QB
Just give the ball to Frank Gore
The one-man offense

Stanford

Worst power five team?
Four wins would be miracle
Nothing else to say

Syracuse

Shoutout to Dino
Somehow he keeps surviving
Love the Rocky hire

TCU

Tough act to follow
Hypnotoad needs more acid
How far do they fall?

Temple

Bleak situation
Stan going for a slow build
Still believe in him

Tennessee

I was right last year
Doubling down again now
They will beat Georgia

Texas

Never won ten games
People keep gassing them up
Crash and burn, baby

Texas A&M

Motorcycle man
Plus guy who should be in jail
This staff is lawless

Texas State

They made a good hire
Whole team is Incarnate Word
Will not be quick fix

Texas Tech

Trap game in week one
A year ahead of schedule?
Think eight wins again

Toledo

Badass quarterback
Should be easy favorite
Will Candle fumble?

Troy

New Year's Six Bowl game?
They have the team to do it
Defense is brick wall

Tulane

All Fritz does is win
They can New Year's Six again
Lane will be in hell

Tulsa

Thanks for taking him
Send prayers to Tulsa fans
You don't deserve this

UAB

Worst hire since Dorrell
Will age hilariously
BEST case: two and ten

UCF

I'm torn on this one
Underachieved last season
Potential is there

UCLA

Heisman front-runner
They are a real question mark
Nothing would shock me

UConn

Better than I thought
Still praying for his downfall
That is going to hurt

UMass

Makes me want to puke
Haven't won two since 'eighteen
Bright side: Stout defense!

UNLV

Do not like the hire
Offense can be explosive
Will probably bowl

USC

I am a hater
They will get bullied again
Stay off the grill, coach

UTEP

Sisyphus program
Twenty-five JUCO transfers!
Would be funny win

UTSA

A must-see offense
One more year of Frank Harris
Game you have to watch

Utah

Somehow, no respect
Atmosphere will be off charts
I want the three-peat

Utah State

Too much noise last year
Punter spun the ball on them
Need boring season

Vanderbilt

Are trying their best
Probably won't be enough
Look at last six games

Virginia

Bigger than football
A very special moment
Hope they have good year

Virginia Tech

Program breaks my heart
Hate how far they have fallen
Can they score thirty?

Wake Forest

I won't doubt Clawson
They still have some playmakers
Seven or eight wins

Washington

Penix can sling it
New uniforms bother me
But I love the team

Washington State

Ward is chaotic
Are going to air it out
A lot on his plate

West Virginia

This is it, Neal Brown
Ugly way to begin year
Start the head coach search

Western Kentucky

Sick new uniforms
Even sicker passing game
Ten win potential

Western Michigan

It's a rebuild year
Nasty losses incoming
Upset? Don't be shocked

Wisconsin

Fickell's audition
Whole new offensive mindset
Can win the Big Ten

Wyoming

Defense? Great again!
Begging for some offense, please
Just saying, watch out