Previewing the 2022 college football season with haikus for every team

(I always have to put this at the top: For the best viewing experience, you should click "view online" if you're reading this on email.)

Welcome to the official Two Stripes 2022 College Football Season Preview. We're less than 90 days away from Week Zero, and that means it's time for all your favorite sites, publications, and blog bois to release their takes on what they think is gonna go down during the upcoming season. That's exactly what this article is, but with a twist.

Instead of pretending that I can give you a serious rundown of all 131 FBS teams and their strengths and weaknesses, I wrote a haiku for each team. Hopefully those three lines are coherent enough to give you a feel for my brief thoughts on the 2022 season. I've tripled checked that they're all 5-7-5, but if I missed on a few –or said something mean about your team– please forgive me. To kick things off, it's only right to start with a haiku of my College Football Playoff prediction:

Buckeye title win
Haters and losers angry
The way it should be

Air Force

Big season ahead
Kicking the Buffs' ass week two
Top team in the state

Akron

Homerun head coach hire
New brand logos still ugly
Bring back 'flying A'

Alabama

Raiding your roster
Smashing Texas by thirty
Someone slap Saban

Appalachian State

Program is stable
Gonna beat you up each week
They could scare Aggies

Arizona

Can Jedd Fisch win there?
Only one person thinks so
Loyal to sources

Arizona State

Portal kicking them
Alphabet boys at the door
Hey, Emory Jones!

Arkansas

Can they run it back?
Hell of a week one matchup
A fun quarterback

Arkansas State

Waterfalls are cool
Butch back with Saban real soon
Hard to see progress

Army

Monken is for real
Why won't anyone hire him
Another nine wins

Auburn

A LOUD OFFSEASON
Why can't program be normal?
Harsin first coach fired

Ball State

Players gone en masse
A sacrifice to the Vols
The helmets are fire

Baylor

Best team in big twelve
Aranda is the real deal
Big bowl game again

Boise State

Mountain West top dog?
Big plays on offense wanted
Skinner brings the boom

Boston College

Jurkovec is back
Disappointing last season
Hafley needs results

Bowling Green

Uniforms are bad
How is this man still head coach
Program reset, please

Buffalo

Things are looking bleak
Maybe some transfers do well
"Don't watch this team play"

BYU

Will be a problem
Most fun schedule in country
Dreams of New Years Six

Cal

Can count on defense
When did they get Jack Plummer?
Offense? I don't know

Central Michigan

Replacing a bunch
Offense thriving once again
Short quarterback king

Charlotte

Marvelous colors
Healy has to win this year
Don't see it, sadly

Cincinnati

Got to the playoff
Probably take a step back
Fickell's still the man

Clemson

Rinky dink offense
Schedule saves them this season
Fantastic defense

Coastal Carolina

Chadwell is genius
The offense is a machine
McCall pisses teal

Colorado

Retire, Karl Dorrell
I can see two wins at best
I can't stand this guy

Colorado State

Jay Norvell: great hire
Whole roster is Nevada
Rams are on the rise

Duke

How will Elko do?
Can't lie, I don't care at all
Might lose to Kansas

East Carolina

LEFTY QUARTERBACK
Best logo in the country
The GOAT number font

Eastern Michigan

Three bowls in four years
Need Chris Creighton in Boulder
He's a magician

FIU

Mike Mac builds programs
"Program sabotage" issue?
Lots of work to do

Florida

Hired actual coach
I'll miss wild Mullen pressers
Utah will mash them

Florida Atlantic

Taggart is still there?
Need way more from the offense
Don't have strong thoughts here

Florida State

Sometimes maybe good
Honestly, no idea
Sometimes maybe shit

Fresno State

Offense explosive
The return of Jeff Tedford
Eleven and one?

Georgia

Back to the playoff
Quarterback still hungover
They are a freight train

Georgia Southern

Sigh, hired clay helton
Moved away from the triple
That shit gonna fail

Georgia State

Sleeper contender?
Elliott underrated
Chance for some upsets

Georgia Tech

Big year for Collins
Hard to see much improvement
Writing on the wall

Hawai'i

Welcome home, Timmy
Wishing program much success
Piss off, Todd Graham

Houston

Won twelve games last year
Softest schedule in country?
Should make New Years Six

Illinois

I believe in Bret
Predicting a bowl game trip
Get to know Chase Brown

Indiana

Fanbase is Reddit
Try winning a Big Ten game
Smells like three and nine

Iowa

Unserious team
Keeps getting away with it
Adult son can't coach

Iowa State

Experience lost
Matt Campbell is fraudulent
Back to the mid-tier

James Madison

Welcome to the show
Team to watch in the future
Can't play in bowl game

Kansas

Slow build is working
Still have a long way to go
Better than the Buffs

Kansas State

Got my eye on them
Martinez in the right place
Surprise team this year

Kent State

Many uniforms
Big payday games on schedule
Gonna be bloody

Kentucky

Was wrong about them
They like to run the damn ball
Double digit wins

Liberty

Bible thumpin' team
"Do you have any vices"
Still will score a ton

Louisiana

Starting new era
Should still be tough as all hell
Levi Lewis gone 😔

Louisiana-Monroe

Yikes, Terry Bowden
Impossible to win here
Beautiful helmets

Louisiana Tech

What is this program?
Yet another air raid guy
I'm saying four wins

Louisville

How much will he run?
Team is a walking coin flip
Uniforms, I hate

LSU

Bayou Kelly rules
"I swear this is my accent"
"Please forgive me, sir"

Marshall

Making power moves
Get ready for a fist fight
This game might be close

Maryland

They break through this year
But please don't quote me on that
Build off easy start

Memphis

Good luck with Matt Barnes
I do like this program, though
So many helmets

Miami (FL)

Cristobal in charge
If they're back, we'll find out here
My verdict? NOT BACK

Miami (OH)

Yes, that's their brother
In need of style refreshment
Count on six losses

Michigan

Can they follow up?
Does not have that dog in him
Cake walk non-con slate

Michigan State

Mastered the portal
They are due for regression
Mel Tucker owns Jim?

Middle Tennessee

Rick Stockstill, still here
Lots of takeaways last year
Middle of the pack

Minnesota

Expecting big year
Fired the bad offensive coach
Can they win the west?

Mississippi State

Every play a pass
Will beat a team they shouldn't
Last eight games violent

Missouri

Recruiting real good
Oh my god that run defense
They are a wildcard

Navy

Been down last two years
I think the run is over
Ken needs to jump ship

NC State

Conference title?
Tim Beck, offensive genius
Nasty defense back

Nebraska

Frost blaming his guys
Need to win a one score game
Who has this job next?

Nevada

New coach, work to do
Lost everyone to the Rams
Packfetti kicks ass

New Mexico

Twelve points per game! Gross!
Love the turquoise uniform
Twelve points per game! Twelve!

New Mexico State

Pray for this program
The worst team in the country
There are two of them?

North Carolina

Calling bounce back year
Sneaky team to watch out for
Can't get much worse here

North Texas

Last year for Littrell?
Best look in college football
Dude loves to tackle

Northern Illinois

Mullet quarterback
Will probably beat Vandy
My pick to win MAC

Northwestern

That looks like three wins
Tough year for union buster
Maybe next season

Notre Dame

Made the correct hire
The defense will be top notch
Who is quarterback?

Ohio

A strong running game
No more two-QB system
Man, I miss Solich

Ohio State

Please play some defense
Bring the god damn gray stripes back
Time for a title

Oklahoma

Getting dumped is sad
Venables will scream all game
No more playoff runs?

Oklahoma State

Look at that schedule
Spencer Sanders eighth season
I think Gundy leaves

Old Dominion

I'm blind on this one
Bowl game would be a success
Snuck into the club

Ole Miss

The head coach is loud
The offense even louder
Easy first four games

Oregon

Mystery to me
Better QB play a must
Brutal opener

Oregon State

Rev up the chainsaw
Sensing another bowl game
Solid foundation

Penn State

James Franklin got paid
I think that he's worth the dough
Still can't manage clock

Pitt

Taking a step back
Portal punched them in the face
Is Slovis the guy?

Purdue

Was wrong about Brohm
Which team will they upset next?
What's with those shoulders?

Rice

Fullback respecters
I think Bloomgren is done here
Can't see how they win

Rutgers

Upset of the year
Are you a Schiano man?
I confess: I am

San Diego State

Great defense, again
They refuse to throw the ball
Same thing as always

San Jose State

Thank you, Mullet man
I went to their spring scrimmage
This is a hard job

SMU

I pledge allegiance
Contenders or pretenders?
High flying offense

South Alabama

Offense needs a jolt
Defense will be fierce, again
Logo makes me laugh

South Carolina

New year, new Rattler?
Week three upset potential
Watch out for Rucker

South Florida

New QB will help
Jeff Scott needs proof of concept
Unsure he'll get it

Southern Miss

Welcome to Sun Belt
Inconvenient Truth junior
Rebuild starts this year

Stanford

Saw them get bulldozed
Roster too thin to contend
I think Shaw is cooked

Syracuse

Need to go bowling
Dino's been here eight seasons!
Might be his last one

TCU

Lateral move king
What the hell was this defense?
Gonna cook the Buffs

Temple

Got rid of bad coach
I believe in the new guy
It will take some time

Tennessee

Buying in this year
Beating Bama or Georgia
Deleting this soon

Texas

I'm not buying in
Nothing but media hype
At least four losses

Texas A&M

Recruits worth millions
The head coach worth more millions
Ends in Outback Bowl

Texas State

Refuse to recruit
I do not have a take here
This job is brutal

Texas Tech

New head coach is HYPE
That even has me fired up
GUNS UP, I am in

Toledo

MAC title or bust
If not now, then when will they?
Top twenty defense

Troy

Time for some new threads
Sometimes I bring up unis
When I have nothing

Tulane

Angry ass green wave
I ask you for a good year
New voice on offense

Tulsa

Tough non-con matchups
The juju hat is goated
Just find way to bowl

UAB

A big play machine
My conference champion
Ten wins on table

UCF

Season two of Gus
Stupid losses incoming
Eight and four, I guess

UCLA

I love the unis
But I can't stand Chip Kelly
The duality

UConn

Oh no, Jim Mora
Hilarious way to hire
Two years, at the most

UMass

Welcome back, Don Brown
Thank you for the memories
Tough place to win games

UNLV

Is there progress here?
I don't see how it happens
Stadium's cool, though

USC

High flying offense!
Great seven on seven team!
Riley teams are soft

UTEP

Easy to root for
Might not be a tougher job
Hardison can THROW

UTSA

The bull does not care
Jeff Traylor full bank account
LEFTY QUARTERBACK

Utah

Rock solid program
Will punch Trojans in the mouth
Back to back Rose Bowls?

Utah State

Nothing but big plays
Mayhorn takeover begins
Just get out healthy

Vanderbilt

Shitty new logo
"Graphic design my passion"
Deserve oh and twelve

Virginia

Bold choice for head coach
LEFTY QUARTERBACK ALERT
Long season ahead

Virginia Tech

New coach, thankfully
Rooting for them to improve
Make these primary

Wake Forest

Love delayed handoffs
Conference title hopeful
Need better defense

Washington

Schedule is a breeze
Vibes will be better this year
Cautiously on board

Washington State

No clue what to say
What a loser that dude was
I'll guess four and eight

West Virginia

This seems like a mess
Oh brother, they made this hire
Last year for Neal Brown

Western Kentucky

Tough to replace this
Coordinator gone too
That's a lot to lose

Western Michigan

Lost their QB, too
Logo looks like fast food joint
Pencil in six wins

Wisconsin

Allen is a beast
Get easy path one more year?
Ten and two is there

Wyoming

Offense is the key
But can they improve enough?
History says no